In honor of April Fool’s Day we’re letting Toby take over, and reposting all of his work on the site. Enjoy, and we apologize.
(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)
When you spend a lot of time in a basement, you end up watching a lot of dollar bin movies your dad buys for you to keep quiet. My favorite movies are Star Wars 1, 2 and 3. I heard they’re making more. Here are 10 movies I think could be great Star Wars movies:
- Darth Maul: Do I really need to explain this? He’s the best! He has a double-sided lightsaber, and that’s all the character development I need in my space operas.
- Snoke: We finally learn that Snoke was actually Maul’s apprentice and not as cool as him.
- Ewoks: We learn more about why they revere metal and know how to fight the empire. Hint: Maul showed then how.
- Knights of the Old Republic: We see how Revan and Malak look into the future to see how awesome Maul is and try in vain to be cooler.
- Boba Fett: The most dangerous man in the galaxy, Darth Maul, is being hunted by this fucking poser.
- Wedge: We see how the best X-wing pilot that doesn’t have Force powers or a current Disney contract became so good. Space battles with Daddy Maul.
- Yuuzhan Vong – The race that brought the new Republic to its knees…led by a Maul clone.
- Doctor Aphra – Finds a Sith holocron and revives Maul who then kills her for not being as cool.
- The Knights of Ren start liking Maul more, and Kylo kills them all and fights Maul. Almost loses, but the script saves him from the shame he deserves.
- Kamino: Ever wonder how Maul can be everywhere when the screenwriters don’t have an idea? Maul clones himself.
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)