(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize.)
1. The Eyebrows of the Dad from American Pie
I cannot be convinced that those do not speak to him telepathically demanding the blood of more children in order to fend off Armageddon.
2. The Substitute Teacher that thought making the third grade class watch My Girl and The Bridge to Terabithia back-to-back was a good idea.
This was before social media! We were so innocent and you subjected us to this emotional trauma for your own sick benefit, you monster!
3. The aunts from James and the Giant Peach
Move over Freddy, these ladies are going to be haunting my nightmares for some time. (And I haven’t even watched the film recently; I just had to find the image for this post.)
4. The brief moment of silence as the credits end
You are suddenly left alone with only your thoughts for company. The intense feeling of grief and abandonment as you are suddenly cast from this ethereal world beyond the silver screen back into this hellscape of bills and the latest celebrity death or sexual assault allegation.
5. The toys from Toy Story
I cannot believe they are making a fourth one. People find these movies charming. There is nothing charming about sentient toys watching your every move in silence, forever waiting to feel your touch again – if only for a fleeting moment. That’s creepy! That’s why my dad doesn’t let me have any toys that aren’t electronics or planks of wood with crayon faces.
6. The metallic shrill noise they use for jump scares
I loathe and detest this cheap scare as much as I hate not knowing if this hump on my shoulder is cancer or not. There is nothing more terrifying than just enjoying your time and then “WRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!” I mean, goddammit, I just threw all my popcorn from the sensory overload. You could probably terrify someone being sung happy birthday in Disney World with that sound.
7. Mia Farrow’s Daisy Buchanan
Please. If I ever find myself infatuated with such an annoying and insufferable piece of work as this creature, shoot me in the pool too, so that I no longer need to listen to that shrill sound that erupts from her mouth like synthesized garbage (a la Alvin and the Chipmunks) any longer.
8. Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad
Idk what is it about this movie. For one, it’s got that retired idea that there is more to life than financial security…Said the film producer to the guy writing film blogs in his basement and can’t afford the copay to have his hump checked out…Plus, something about Bill Cosby always puts me to sleep.
9. Tommy Wiseau’s gross leathery exo-suit
I hope that I do not offend his planet, but that butt shot in The Room imprinted a fear deeper than the weird lines on his ass.
10. A Netflix adaption of your favorite thing ever
You don’t know what you are going to get with this devil’s bargain. Will it be bad like Voltron or great like the three seconds that Willem Dafoe is in Deathnote? 2spooky4me