(Editor’s note: There’s a rumor that Alex Lancaster, the founder/Editor in Chief/Lead Writer for Poor Man’s Spoiler, secretly has a Quasimodo-esque love child he keeps hidden away in some basement. This has never been proven, but if true, said child would likely have an opinion on films and entertainment. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” and all that. Today we bring you an article by Toby. We apologize, and we mean no disrespect to Aretha or her family.)
When you spend a lot of time in a basement, you end up watching a lot of dollar bin movies your dad buys for you to keep quiet. You also listen to whatever music comes through on the broken radio you stole from the neighbors garage at night. That being said, I am an expert on music, movies, and musical biopics. Here are 10 people I think could play the queen of soul:
1. Gerard Butler: When his agent suggested the role, Butler reportedly said, “The last time I covered my face and sang, I had to stop eating cake and hang out with a bunch of oiled-up buff guys in my underwear so people would stop saying I’m gay.”
2. Tilda Swinton: Her casting in Doctor Strange was pivotal. Appropriate away!
3. Danny Trejo: cheap, reliable, and entertaining. Trejo would be a great choice for a smaller studio. The only problem is Machete don’t feel like a natural women.
4. Queen Latifah with bad CGI: Yaaasss Queen, you can sing, but the only way I’ll accept it is if we get that Star Wars CGI that made that guy look like someone was wearing Peter Cushing’s face.
5. Andy Serkis with MOCAP – The man brings such humanity to inhuman characters with stunning motion capture. Let’s give him a human being to play and get this man an Oscar.
6. Tina Turner – the best way to show the complexity and drama of one of the greatest divas of all time is to completely ignore Tina’s story and make her play Aretha instead.
7. Whoopi Goldberg – aka a Sister Act Sequel.
8. Tommy Wiseau – the man is an enigma. It may seem like a bad idea, but you’re just chicken! CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!
9. Will Smith – Do you want box office draw like none other? Time for Aretha to get jiggy with it.
10. Gabourey Sidibe: Watch her truly live out Aretha by losing all the weight to get the role and then gain it all back by the end of the film.
Written by Toby
(Toby is not a real person. This is a parody. A farce. A satirical piece. Do not take anything in this article seriously. It is written and created for entertainment purposes only, and honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone. Except as a means of torture. I mean, unless you’re into that thing. We don’t judge.)